Things I want to do before I die:

1. I want my passion to come back: Down the lane I have forgotten my passion, my enthusiasm for doing things I loved to do... Its not there anymore. I want to do things and love it.

2. I want to take better care of myself: I see myself everyday and think I was better before. I want to run, eat healthy that means on time and look good.

3. Be good: I want to be good to people around me and not mean. I want to be more understanding but at the same time not get too involved as it means an intrusion to their space and lives.

4. Be sensible: I want to be sensible enough to understand and empathize. I don't want to be carried away by emotion.

5. Love: I want to love everyday. I want to love Shahir so much that even when I am not around he will feel my love for him. I want to love so much so that he will be exclusive.

6. Family: I want to visit them once in two months or vice - verse, this lifetime is not enough to let my dad know how wonderful he is and my mom has been out of this world. I have not spend enough time with my brother and I want to spend at least 4-5 days with them in every two months.

7. Little things: I want to do little little small little things to Aadya, my special friends and family to let them know that I am there for them and above all it makes me truly happy.

8. Fight: I want to learn kick boxing so that I am not afraid of darkness or when I sleep or when I travel or sleep alone. I want to be strong. I should be able to handle the situation and fight back. 

A Sloppy Juggler 

I always go into this hibernation mode, writers call it a writing block... Well ! I ain't no writer for sure. But my life has been moving in a good pace. It is a bumpy road. I moved from jungles to the city. I don't feel anything great about it but the fittest only survives, so I took up another profession to survive the urban clenches of expenses, anxiety, crowd, competition and life in itself. Many don't let marriage make a difference to their profession but a lot many do. I am from the latter category. I gave up my social work profession as I could not find anything interesting enough in Hyderabad. City of Nizams. Food is the main attraction but the city is still developing. Less aggression but bad transportation. I would not think of travelling one hour which I did not mind earlier. Ahora! Soy profesora de espanol. That's right I took up Spanish and now I am a Spanish Teacher. I do enjoy what I do and I am deep down my knees in work. Something to be happy about and I surely am... but there is something that is troubling me for a while, I am becoming very forgetful nowadays. Yeah !! people just laugh about it and rub it off like some dust on their shoulder but it makes you go crazy. At one moment I forget my very important accounting book and the very next moment I realize I have misplaced my specs without which my eyes start to hurt while working before a computer. I forgot my hard disk at school and I broke my very loyal mobile out of anger. No, I am not rich enough to be able to afford these things to buy again and again. I keep forgetting my mobile everywhere and all the time. A Land phone had been convenient for me but for this century life it is hardly apt. My partner in crime tells me that its because I am juggling lot many things at the same time. Going to school, taking home tuition all day, household chores because finally my servant decided to leave and I can't find another. I feel like a joker juggling with ten balls at a time. Woh!! I did not sign up for this. I did try and find solution for forgetfulness on Google but nothing really helped. Everyone says try  yoga, meditation, exercise and blah blah blah... I miss Tanushree (the only friend I had in Hyd. who flew away to Luxembourg) I miss her company, night outs, crazy things which I can do only with friends. I keep wishing that one of my friends will end up here for a night or two. 

No, it does not stop me from being amnesiac but it just eases my anxiety.. As I continue to be forgetful I can only hope for to be relaxed. 

Blank Notes

We shared poetries, stories and romance.

Today, the space that was once filled with the essence and color of orchid 

is an abandoned heart that creeks with pain.

You, my stranger, took me away from happiness 

to the world of ecstasy, romance and stars, the same world 

to where, Krishna took his Radha by the river side. 

Alas! I thought you would stay even without the promises, 

as I hadn’t asked  for any. Yet you moved away like a 

shooting star in space, leaving behind beautiful memories

that can't be washed away from my blood and the soul they clung to.

I did not utter a word, Nor did I know of a name to call.

A name that would make you stay.

Lover, friend or stranger.

Each step, every footprint you left behind

Lingered like a blank note in the corner of my heart.  

Perhaps, as you say, your parting is to be celebrated.

Celebrate me even if I leave, you said. Celebrate my growth and joy

Celebrate each step I take closer to understanding me.

And I would gaze, gaze at you with saggy eyes and say, 

“yes, yes my love,  I would celebrate you, each day as it comes..”

And, we both realize, what a precious price we paid, to part our ways

For a peaceful life.  A peaceful life without the joy of having each other!!

-- Greeshma

Invisible Boundaries

Those boundaries I never saw, was felt within - breeding like a venom.
God did not create religion, he did not create differences...


Sree Narayana Guru was said to be followed by the downtrodden and by rich,
Alas!he failed in his own teaching. His path now belonged to *Thiyya !!
He said, **Orru Jaathi, Orru Madham, Orru Devam - Maushiyeen..
Followers never followed his beliefs. How did they become his pupils then?
I question, the answer I received, tagged me as a terrorist.


They call me insane for being a rebel,
They are least bothered of my thoughts because I am a girl,
They point their fingers stating I am impractical and talk nonsense.


Marrying a Muslim is not a way of going against your mother, I smirk
with a pity on them.They think, 
He a Muslim will ruin me.
Who gave them the right to chose our religion
before our names;
who gave them the authority to force their conventional beliefs
on Us !!


I wonder haven't they changed since the day they were born,
they who learned to walk, to talk, go to school and got married,
then why is it so hard for them to accept Us to be doing the same,
Being the Change, they were in their times and now We are in ours..


Why is it so difficult to leap across our egos and boundaries
when they merrily aren't even a Shadow that would touch us,


They say I am idealistic,
wasn't Aruna Asaf Ali, Gandhi, Bhagat Singh or Tagore; I know each one
of them are incomparable 
but they were humans too like me and you.


I wasn't an atheist; I have prayed like a Christian and a Muslim
and my prayers were answered by the Omnipresent;
they were flabbergasted to see my faith.
I didn't belong to any religion yet Krishna,
occupied a crucial space in my heart;
he always responded,
assuring his presence in my Life!!


My identity was a Malayalee who didn't know
how to read Malayalam.
I lived in Delhi for more than 20 years
but sought for a simple life in countryside.
Home is where your heart is..


I worked and idealized myself to be in theaters
and to be with tribal; 
Why they would ask? Why can't you be like others? Quiet and married,
how could I be,
when the question prodded like a maggot;
Why can't they have what I have?
Does the luxury stop at my door step?


For me my Freedom is a  new Saga!!
It was melodious even in the stony path.
The so called beliefs,
were nothing but an invisible boundary for me,
I have chosen my path and
I will be the way I am
until I live...


Greeshma

*Thiyya: a Hindu caste in Kerala
**Orru Jaathi....: One Caste, One Religion, One God for all Humans

Twilight

There is something missing in life and I guess I am missing it big time... I assume it’s my field work after much contemplation... I yearn to go back into the streets for a while and work and converse... I miss certain faces, raw conversations, dusty roads, narrow lanes, dark forests, dirty kids, small rooms, small wells,  ponds, dirty dingy lanes, crowd and colorful Chunni. I miss walking around with her - with my field companion... she was raw, broke and beautiful. She had that inner strength that I find missing in myself. I went with her to have lunch.. I did not have food - so she bought me a plate of cholle Batture from the vendor. It was cold... she had it with a relish and me staring at her and had it out of hunger thinking how many microbes went in my tummy. We sat in one corner of a very small room. From there I could see lot of other homes... They were all small, full of kids, noises, TV on its full volume... some money plants and during winters, everyone was busy making sweaters for kids, for their husbands, brothers and all... happily basking under the sun...
Even if they were poor they did not regret it. They lived, survived in all odds and now they were the kings of those little rooms, managed to get their kids admitted to a govt. school and managed to paint their home this Diwali or the other yet, they found time to smile at you.

Every evening with a sip of Chai - the moments were nothing but golden and precious - encaptured in my eyes forever... And. then at twilight, I headed towards home - trapped in emotions of people - the way they live and inspire to move on tough sturdy paths and yet remain peaceful and satisfied with whatever they have...

I miss something of this and something of that.. I miss someone.... miss a life I lived... I immensely miss what I am...

AMMA...

I at 25, have not stopped combating with my Ma… I have been juggling in frenzied brawl with a person who has looked after me for a very long while.

Best part of this relationship is that, after all those fights; my mom is acquainted with how to make me feel culpable even if it was her blunder. She would be nice to me, prepare food and try to chat.

"Marriage", can be the fuming subject matter that would blaze up your lungs and is lethal for your brains. Our relation has been a roller coaster. I constantly blame her for her infuriated ferociousness against me since as a kid. When I used to come back home with below average marks, it was she who used to beat me with her knife on my knuckles. Ooch!!! It hurts and within the small room of that flat there was no space of hiding or running off. And, the pain became deeper when my brother used to flash his flying colors like a victorious vindictive nasty King.

At my teenage, her nagging about my friends was an upfront argument. “You cannot go with him, what will people say? “To heck with people and society”, quoted I. Did she love me or the society more? After much commotion, I won her heart. But, beneath all this adversity lay the hand of a maestro – My Dad…

He acclaimed to be best know ME person; I was so close to him that WE were The Team. He never had an urge to have a battle against me. Poor Chap!!! he loved me and was entirely not capable to have a clash with me. After all, I was the treasured lovable first kid whom he cherished the most in his life. Yet, he the one who set flames between me and amma coz, he always bought her in front of him as his shield in the battle. Poor Ma…she never had an alternative but to have word to word encounter with me.

My anger transformed into silent ignorance for whatsoever she said… She became more enraged like a fuming volcano. But, one thing perpetually remained an unchanged factor and that was my guilt and my awkwardness to tell her, how much I love her… My habitual ignorance for being such an idiot.

I love you Amma… for being there and silently taking care of me. You have been doing all the household chores like your contractual obligation yet you never strained us to do it. And, I know you love me more than you love your son, my Niks!!! Yet our combat is a never ending unsettled wave of the turbulent sea under the gorgeous looking moonlit night.

That's my Amma who loves gardening....Mothers they always love to nuture!!!

Enclosed in Boredom!!!

I am sitting before an idiot box on a very comfortable bed enclosed in four walls within the luxuries that many people dream about.

Don’t misunderstand that I making you count my comforts rather I am counting my own boredom. Boredom of being imprisoned inside this comfortable life where I don’t have anything to do or share things with, no I don’t need a partner but I yearn to go back to my field work. Being rich may give you a comfortable exotic life but every so often, it fails to give you inner strength and comfort.

Watch me, just like you watch TV. I want to work yet my desire is not enough for me to throw paints of my experience, expressions, dedication on the walls of reality. The whole world is busy doing things… Should I cut my hairs or change my wardrobe coz, these are the only items I can possibly change. Obviously, I can’t change my BF and my parents. I am too committed to do so.

Tomorrow, my nappy friend is gonna change lanes from India to Australia. I don’t know when would I see her or even get a glimpse of her. Our moments have been captured by the wheel of time, from laughter to our cries; from our secrets to our dreams; from Mills &Boons to Anita Nair. She even helped me breaking my old bed cot to buy new one. I just had to push her during one of our wrestling fights and there she went down breaking the leg of my cot. We will always laugh upon and cherish what we shared.

“Memories of my Melancholy Whores”, Gabriel Garcia Marquez is the farewell gift I gave to her. It will be long when I get to see her. She will be changed and so would be I. Gosh!!! Marriage revolutionizes lot many stuffs. It’s just not clinging to gold or sarees but friendships and relationships. They go a huge transformation.

My prayers will be there like a shadow for you my Boothani… Rock on and have a beautiful life!!! Snob! There goes tiny pearl of drop across my cheeks.

You must have seen these reality shows - Who asked Sajid Khan to come and judge for “India Got Talent”. He is such a loser, he has no intellectual reasoning, he sucks as a judge. Can you please show him the recent song by AR Rehman: Kaye Kaye intna kaye karte kaye ko hum, yun rote kaye ko hum… sad rehta kaye ko hum… He is such a sadistic.

I fear my life would end like nothing you know like a zero. Where I failed to achieve things and would die like I was a moss… God, I need to get up as early as possible to be the first bird to get the worm. It’s time I challenged myself beyond luxuries, relationships and money.